It’s been awhile

I don’t usually write on here but I’ve had a lot on my mind and feel like the one way to get it all out and feel better would be to start writing again. Currently I’m listening to “Lips of An Angel” and “Time After Time” on repeat. It’s crazy how sometimes your mind feels so shallow like there’s not a lot going on and not a lot in your head and then other times it feels like a bottomless trench with an infinite amount of thought and space inside. As a person I’ve been falling in that bottomless trench for awhile and that time I’ve spent falling I’ve had so many thoughts and ideas pass through my head. Have you ever had that person you care for beyond measure where even when they do wrong or bad stuff happens between the two of y’all you can’t help but forgive and continue to care about them? In reality that’s a lot of people to me but there’s one person in particular that I met awhile back and through all the pain and craziness I feel like I’ve known her my whole life. I like to think I’m a very caring, outgoing person but I’ve swayed away from that a bit. I let people frustrate me so easily and I’ve been getting into fights with so many people lately. I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life. I’m also a very loving and caring individual and almost absorb and mimic people’s feelings. If they’re depressed I almost absorb it and try to make them happy while sometimes making myself depressed. Forget about all of that. I can’t describe how I feel and thought that if what I feel is so true, it was suppose to be easy and all just work out. I’m talking about love, true love. The whole magically story of “wow I saw her on that dance floor and the whole world lit up and she saw me and we met in the middle, held hands, and danced the night away.” The perfect moment of the moment you realize someone is perfect for you. I guess that darkness of my head I’m being consumed by has either made it hard for that moment to resurface or the circumstances and events that have occurred since I met her. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, done and said a lot of stupid stuff, and have forgiven a lot of people I shouldn’t have. The things that have happened between us are nothing short of moments God have given me that I’ll always remember and cherish forever. Darkness usually never brings people together but I feel like maybe we were brought together by our bad memories and past relationships and that I entered her life not at the best moment for “us” but at the best moment for her because she needed not a boyfriend but a true friend who would always put her first and care about her flaws or not. Fighting or not. In relationships or not. The darkness we both endured and continue to endure almost pushes us apart and has, but somehow we end up still talking and coming back to each other. Sitting in a dull dark apartment contemplating life makes you realize a lot. I tried to hard to cut her out and to find a replacement. I tried to find a new girl and tried to find anything even remotely close to “feelings” again but always imagine her. It’s crazy because I’ve liked girls before and loved a select few but it’s just different. I could just be a hopeless romantic, wouldn’t surprise me. Haha, but I can’t help but keep following the star in the sky, the hope in my heart, that leads me to her again. Maybe it’s not the right time and I would be fine with that. I just wish I knew for sure. There are other situations that are progressing in her life that I feel is almost like a trap. Her feelings and intentions are pure but I feel like she’s being lied to and going to end up getting hurt or being used and I can’t help but want to stop it. I just want her to be happy, even if it’s with another man. That’s how much I care about her, but I’m willing to fight and put myself on the line to have a chance with her and share something amazing with her. I won’t be hurt if she turns me down, honestly. It’s so weird like how can you care so much for someone but at the same time not care at all if they don’t care for you back. Maybe that’s blind love? It’s almost like what Jesus did for us in a way. Care about us so much that he’d sacrifice everything he has to save us. Honestly I’d sacrifice a lot for anyone but for her, I’d sacrifice it all. I’d be run over, trampled, devoured by the darkness and engulfed in an endless stream of pain if that would take her pain away and make her happy. I haven’t seen her in awhile and can’t picture her like I used to. Like her face right in front of me is a blur. So close to reach but I can’t remember for sure how she was when I last saw her. Like the last time I saw her we were face to face and now she’s miles away and it’s not clear who I’m looking at from that distance and that distance is time. Should I just let go and forget, should I fight for her, or should I do nothing at all? They say you choose your emotions and you can choose to stay depressed or to even be depressed, but in reality I’ve tried to be happy and acted happy and wore that fake smile but in reality it just makes it worse. Hiding from my demons and letting them grow stronger is not what I need to do, but it’s so much easier to put a barrier and be safe for a little while longer rather than confront that pain and possibly hurt yourself and others. I’m not afraid to stand up for anyone and to stand up for things and people I care about, but I always end up putting myself last and letting people stand on me for the view. Yes, it’s not right, but I feel most of the time I can handle the weight and I’m doing people good when I can handle the pain and keep them afloat in the ocean we call pain.

Real Life pt.2

I haven’t been on here since high school. I’ve changed a lot since then too. I’ve done thing and experienced things I never thought I’d ever do back then. I’ve kind of become numb to a lot of things but I’ve always been known as the one who would drop anything for anyone and would sacrifice himself for anyone and everyone and that’s still true. I’ve tried to love and care but been hurt and used and broken down so much I’ve kind of tried to shut out the feelings from my life. I’ve gone to things and relied on things to take the pain away. I don’t want to get very in-depth with that but it’s hard. I know so many people’s deepest darkest secrets bc im that person everyone trusts and relies on and I enjoy helping them and it gives me some joy and life in myself but I have others that just attack me and constantly drag me down to the point where I don’t wanna be around anyone because I believe anyone is capable and will hurt me. Even the people I trust the most. I’ve had a lot of people completely abandon me even in the smallest circumstances when things didn’t go right and cut me out when I needed them the most. I know life isn’t fair, it’s a painful and degrading time, and it’s a tough road but I’ve had a hard time finding stuff to live for or even picture of good future. I know that’s not healthy and I worry about a lot but even when I know the right path for myself or someone else it always boils down to one of us taking the wrong route. I’ve prayed a lot and seen God work so much in my and others lives and he’s used me so much to help others but still I continue to feel like an option or an item to use when they need it but abandon it when it needs them. I’m fighting through things right now that other people think they’re going through alone and I know I’ll get through it. I’m on the gravel road leading to a tunnel that I can’t see the end of and it scares me a little bit.

Real Life

I’m gonna be real with everyone. I don’t usually ever cuss, but when stuff is so bad sometimes, cuss words are the most accurate words to use when talking about circumstances and situations. I’ve seen a lot of shit that makes me feel highly depressed and like I’m a piece of shit and I’m not worth anything.

I have a broad friend group because I like to talk to people and I love everyone I meet. If they’re good people, people who don’t choose right, or just bad people, I still like them. I have friends who drink, have sex, party, smoke, etc. and it hurts me so much because I see the good in people and doing things like that isn’t the right things to do. It hurts their bodies, minds, and souls, and on top of that, it hurts me. I want to help so bad, and I try extremely hard, but most of the time, I can’t get through to people. I wish I had a magic stick that I could just hit somebody with and they’d make good decisions for the rest of their lives. I wish I could make decisions for people a lot too, because of the experience and knowledge I have compared to the lack of knowledge, experience, or just lack of caring about themselves that they have. 

I try so hard to change people, and I wish I had that ability. I really do. I get unbelievable depressed when I see things like the use of alcohol and drugs irresponsibly or illegally(like underage drinking), and it makes me so mad and sad. I went on a date a few nights ago and I had an amazing, amazing, amazing time, but after I got home, I got on snapchat and saw posts from a friend who was partying and drinking, and it wasn’t just one friend, it was multiple friends, and I fell into a highly depressed state. I feel pain in other people and I mourn for other people when they mourn and I rejoice with people who rejoice, but it hurt so bad I just fell apart. It hurts me exponentially when I see stuff like that I can’t even begin to explain it. 

The devil is a bitch and I hate what he does to people with temptation, pride, lust, greed, anger, jealousy, etc. I wish I could stop it, but I can’t. I understand why my mom tells me I can’t change people, because she had that experience.

My mom worked in child protection services when she was younger, just out of college, and out of all the 200+ children she talked to and tried to help, only 1 girl, out of all the boys and girls she talked to, actually changed. That percentage to most people is so low, it’s 0%. But to me, it’s proof that there’s a chance and people can change. It’s an inspiration to me to keep trying to help others.

Like I’ve said, it hurts me so much to see friends cave into things like alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. because I know how bad they are and I know they’re better and smarter than that.

I know I’m meant to do great things and I will never give up on the greatness that God has destined me for, but I refuse to give up on others. I have an extremely strong brotherly instinct and I feel responsible for everyone around me, so when things go wrong, I feel responsible in some way. I’m always on the phone or going out to talk with friends who need it and it can get overwhelming sometimes. I talk to people when I don’t have a certain experience that a friend is dealing with so I can get a good persepective and view from the stories that others tell me in which they overcame the same obstacles. I love everyone like a brother or sister and I hate to see things go bad. I mean, you can party without bad things like alcohol and drugs. I went to a party which alcohol and I drank Sprite. Yes, I got criticized a bit because that’s what the world is becoming, it’s becoming a place where drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, etc. aren’t that bad anymore when they’re all terrible things. I got so turnt(had an amazing time) at that party and I didn’t have one sip of alcohol and I didn’t drink at all. Life is an amazing and beautiful thing and I hate to watch it go to waste and watch people’s lives shorten.

I felt compelled to post about this because it’s been driving me crazy and it’s been overwhelming me and distracting me I haven’t had any time to focus on school or tennis or anything else because I feel so responsible for it. 

I’m always here if anyone wants to talk, about anything, and please don’t hesitate to contact me, whether it just be texting or messaging, or even a call at 3:00am, I’m here!!!! Please don’t pass up on an opportunity to talk to me if you’re in a bad situation, thinking about suicide, or on the verge of being tempted. If you’re stuck somewhere and need a ride home to get out of it, don’t hesitate to let me know!! I’M ALWAYS HERE FOR ANYONE IN NEED, I PROMISE YOU THAT!! I love each and everyone of you guys and only want the absolute best for everyone! Don’t you guys ever forget that!

I appreciate everyone reading this long post, it means a lot to see people support me. Sorry for the cussing, as I said, I don’t usually cuss except when it is needed for the most accurate emotion or time needed. I don’t ever cuss for no reason, and I hardly ever cuss anyways, but, like I said, it hurts me so much to see people, especially friends, take the wrong path in life. I hope everyone has a blessed and amazing day/night! I’m also praying so hard for a revelation/revival in many people’s lives! Everyone deserves greatness and deserves to experience true love and friendship.

New Chapter in my Life

Well… I’m not entirely sure how to introduce what I’m going to talk about today. I guess I’ll just say it… I was diagnosed with Moderate to Severe Depression this morning. I talked to a counselor at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham because I’ve noticed signs of depression over a long period of time and I’ve been lying to my doctors about how I felt because that’s just another terrible thing, along with Cystic Fibrosis, that pushes people away from me. Makes it that much harder to make any meaningful relationships with girls, and sometimes meaningful friendships with guys. I guess it shocks some people that I have depression because I always am super positive about everything in life and I try to act super happy and energetic all the time when, in reality, I’m hurting super bad inside. I’ve been storing up all of the sadness, anger, despair, regret, etc. inside of me and it’s built up. 

I have trouble sharing this sometimes, because I don’t like taking about stuff like this, but because of my depression, I want to be alone, away from people, away from life. Where I can’t get hurt anymore than I already am. Some people turn to drugs  or alcohol, or maybe even self-inflicted harm, but I turn to sleep. If I’m able to, I might try to sleep for 12-20 hours in one day on Saturday or Sunday so I can stay in my room and be away from all the happiness or sadness in the world and in my own house because it tears me apart inside. Sometimes I might even get out of bed instead of sleep in and go buy candy from the store and go watch movies or go play video games and eat candy because those things make me feel a little better. 

One of my biggest regrets is that, last year, I went on vacation for Spring Break with one of my friends, Parker. We went to Colorado to ski for a week and have a good time. Visit where my family might have to move after I graduate from high school this year. During those days we were in Colorado and when we finally got to the slopes, I was deeply depressed. It was my own birthday, March 30th, when we were down there. We celebrated it, and the entire time we were all eating at this restaurant, I didn’t say a word, just sat there and ate my food. I had trouble answering my parents and even Parker. I didn’t want to talk or be disturbed. Back to the point, we were on the ski slopes and Parker and my Dad were going to the top of the mountain to ski down and I went with them a few times, acting like I was having fun, and then one time, they were in front of me, and I decided to go down a different run, just to avoid them and to be by myself. I did that almost everyday I think. I really regret that because I brought him down with my family for an entire week and didn’t even do that much with him. Kind of avoided him because I was too selfish thinking about being by myself and away from my life. With my ski mask and clothes on, no one knew who I was, or what I was going through, that I was just a normal person, and I guess it felt good. 

Depression has impacted me for awhile and I’m about to have to start taking more medicines to help balance the chemicals in my brain to make me less depressed all them time. Everyday I wake up and don’t want to be around anyone. I want to lay in bed and stay away from my like and others and just be in my own little world. Sometimes I wish I could do that, but if it was, I know it would get lonely and my depression would only worsen. I know my friends don’t know or understand what I’m going through, but I appreciate them trying to help me, it lets me know they care even though it can be super annoying. I draw a lot of my strength through God, through friends, through tennis, and through one of my dearest friends who goes through tougher situations than me, Angelina. I even get some inspiration from teachers I have and through others who go through similar situations as I do. 

I work so hard in tennis because I’m trying to find something that makes me different. Something that makes me interesting and more appealing to girls. I hate to say that, it sounds weird, but I feel like I need to make up for the fact I have CF and Depression, so one of those things is be good at a sport, even though tennis isn’t a popular sport. I want to play college tennis at Ole Miss, which will be extremely hard, but it’s doable. I still have work to do and need to improve, but I can do it. 

Lastly, since we’re on the topic of girls and possibly dating, 99% of me wants to date someone, I know I’m a good person and any girl would be lucky to have me, but that 1% of me doesn’t want to date anyone because that 1% doesn’t want me to find “the one.” I date girls I could possibly marry in the future. I’m serious about dating. Not dating for a good time(and you know what I mean…sex) or because someone says we’d look good together, but because I like their personality, I like who they are and how they treat others(in a good way), and, I have to say it, they’re pretty. I get the through-the-roof standards from my Dad. To get to the point, that 1% of me doesn’t want to find “the one,” because I feel like I’m going to die early and not live to see my children grow up because of CF, and I don’t want to do that to someone. I feel like it’s selfish of me to do that. Like you ask someone out to a movie, you show up to the movie, watch the trailers with them, and then as soon as the movie starts, you ditch them and never come back. 

I guess I’m just weird. I don’t know. I just realized that I just typed 50 billion trillion words, sorry about that. Although it’s hard, we all need to try to stay positive and look for that light at the end of the tunnel. Good things will come in time. God is just preparing me for something extraordinary. It’ll make heaven that much better when I get there. We go through hell in order to experience and get to heaven. I appreciate everyone who reads and supports my blog. I’ll stop it right here. I hope everyone has a blessed night! 

Beowulf (CF Version) 

The other day I had to write a modernized, fiction story of the epic story of Beowulf for my English class. It is a decent short story and I recommend it, but here is my version:

                    The Fight for Life

    Eric, a man looking to live life and survive, has to battle the wretched fiend known only as Cystic Fibrosis. Cystic Fibrosis is a disease within the body unknown to those who don’t experience it. The invisible killer is one of the greatest battles any man or woman could face. Cystic Fibrosis attacks Eric’s lungs making them weak as well as hurting Eric’s ability to fight infections and digest food. There are other consequences of having the beast within him that are not to be mentioned due to the horridness of the situation.
    Cystic Fibrosis, also known as CF, enters Eric’s life at birth with a silent roar. Eric does not know it yet, but he can feel the demon inside of him, waiting to emerge.
    Seventeen years later, Eric continues to fight CF. Countless visits to the hospital for surgeries and doctor’s appointments. Eric fights on. CF silently whispers to Eric that he will take his life before he gets out of his teens, like many of Eric’s friends with CF have affected before him, but Eric will not allow it! Eric calls to his medications and treatments to strengthen him during battle – his nebulizers and chest treatments help shake up and loosen the mucus in Eric’s lungs to give him a fighting chance while others medications and pills help Eric grow and gain weight by giving him enzymes to digest his food and help fight infections in his lungs from bacteria growth. Eric also fights to stay physically fit, which many of his CF infected friends cannot do sports anymore because they don’t have the strength nor the lung capacity to last one minute exercising. Eric works out every day to stay fit by practicing and pushing himself to his limits every day in tennis so he can play tennis in college and stay healthy for years to come, but CF lurks and gives Eric a very hard time breathing. Whenever Eric is playing tennis or working out and the time comes when deep breaths are needed, Eric has a hard and painful time taking deep breathes, like breathing through a straw, as some would say. CF is also getting close to giving Eric CFRD, which stands for Cystic Fibrosis Related Diabetes. Eric is trying his best, but it looks like CF might have the upper hand.
    However, Eric’s friends come to aid him in his battle by encouraging him and being there for him when he needed them the most. Eric tries even harder now to stay healthy, manage school as well as work, and play tennis. As well as practicing most afternoons to get better, Eric has been getting up at four o’clock in the morning before school to go hit and get better. Sometimes he hits by himself, sometimes he hits with friends from the tennis team.
    Eric will not be defeated. The sinister shadow of death, however, had another plan. CF smiled with a sinister grin because he, in the past has attracted bullies, but now has the idea of bringing relationships into the question. CF makes it hard to form meaningful relationships with people of the opposite sex because they don’t want the burden of dealing with the pain of someone CF controls. Although Eric has a steady hand on CF, grasping CF by the arm, CF wins that battle… for now. Eric also feels guilty because the life expectancy for those with CF is 36. Some live to be older, some die before that age. Eric has been known to think of others before himself, although he wants to find date, he doesn’t want someone to date him because he doesn’t want them to be the one and if he dies early, he doesn’t want that burden on them of losing the one they were meant to be with.
    Although there is no end to the battle between Eric and the chaotic chronic illness known as Cystic Fibrosis, there are small victories every day Eric is alive. Eric’s main goal is to inspires others to live life and push yourself to your limits. If Eric can do it, healthy people can. Eric tries to be as positive as he can and shows that even in a life filled with evil and pain, life can still be good. Everyone needs three things every single day: laughter, tears, and love. Life is only as big as you make it.
    A wise man once said, “You’ll never be brave if you don’t get hurt. You’ll never learn if you don’t make mistakes. You’ll never be successful if you don’t encounter failure.”

Love? 

I don’t know where to start. I’ve been told that my words, and what I say is “deep.” I assume that means I put a lot into what I say and it comes from the heart, which it all does. I’m here to talk about inner-demons, and the mind. I’m no psychiatrist, I don’t know exactly how the brain works, but from what I learned in psychology this year, I’ve got a generalized perspective about the mind and how we think.

   I’m going to start out on the topic of love. I love a lot of things. I love music, I love my friends and family, I love my fellow CF’ers, and I love certain people in particular. That love isn’t fake, it’s real. If I were to lose that person, I would become so overwhelmed and depressed. It hurts to lose someone, whether losing them to because of death, or losing them because the love has run out. I have nightmares constantly about people I love and me not being good enough for them. That’s why the love has apparently, “run out.” Music can be a motivator, to make you happy, or to make you sad. Every song is different, from the “I Lived,” singing about hoping your child can live life to the fullest, to “Overload,” singing about waiting for love and once getting it, making the most of it, all the way to “Life After You,” singing about not being able to live without the love of your life being with you. All with different meanings and moods, they all draw out different emotions. The song  “With or Without You” By: U2 is a great song, because it’s meaning is that you can survive with or without one particular person. Even though it may be hard to believe, and I can vouche for you and say I sometimes don’t agree with it; it is true. I miss people who have died, I miss people who have turned away from me, and I miss people who I haven’t seen in awhile. Yes, love hurts, but love is God’s gift to humanity. Love is taken for granted and love is mistaken sometimes, but love is an amazing thing. I draw most of my strength and motivation from love. When love is lost, you can feel it in your life. 

   I talk some about love because, not only people in my life I miss, there are also people in my life suffering and having a hard time. I have friends in the hospital that are not doing well. I love them, not only are they good people and they do so much for me, but because I know what they’re going through and they know what I’m going through. It hurts me to see them suffer. I feel like sleeping all day sometimes so I can escape reality, I mean, who doesn’t sometimes? On the contrary, if I do that, there is so much I will miss in life. Maybe one last time to talk to a friend before they pass away. Maybe another chance to hang out with someone I love. As I have stated before, love is a great thing, and I will always use it for good; I will use it to give me strength and motivation, and I will use it to inspire others. 

   Thank you to everyone reading this, I hope I make a positive change in your life after reading this. It means a lot to me when people read what I post and it makes a positive impact on their lives. It’s all for you! Have a great and blessed day!

What We’re Given In Life

Many people go through rough things, I know. If life was so easy, life would be boring. The pain, the sadness, the happiness, the anger, the frustration, it all gives life meaning. Through the worst of times, good times will follow! We don’t get to choose what we’re given, but what we do with what we’re given! Many people would choose differently in a heartbeat, but surprisingly, some would choose the same life that they were given. I’m one of those who would choose the same life. Although so much bad comes out of it a lot, I have the chance to do things and inspire people whom others could not! I’m not in as bad of a condition as others, which came with hard work, time, and pain. There are a lot of things I find unfair. Rather it be the person I’m destined to marry having to live with a husband with CF or having a risk of passing the disease down to my children. Maybe even unfair for my parents and for my friends having to live with the problems that come being with someone with CF. However, I’m thankful. One of the many reasons I’m thankful for CF is I can set the example and prove that we can do more than what society says we can do! I can inspire others to live life and push themselves as hard as I do. I can give hope and comfort to others with illnesses because I know and understand them because I too have an illness. Life is about living. Life is about overcoming obstacles and living for God! Life is about being true to ourselves and others! Life is hard. Doesn’t mean it’s over, it means you’ve got to work for what you want. Life hurts. Love hurts. I can say from experience that love hurts. Pain is proof that you’re still alive and that you can get through it! If you want to find true love, you’ll discover that true love is selfless. Love is that sickly, sad feeling you feel whenever you’re not with the one(s) you love. Love is going out of your way to be there for someone else. Love is God’s gift to humanity and it’s sadly misrepresented on a daily basis. Love is one reason to live. Life is full of obstacles, pain (emotional and physical), joy, love, confusion, truth, hate, even lies. Life is full of choices. Our choices make us who we are! Don’t let others pull you down! If they’re not good for you and cause you to be a less-than-perfect individual, then let them go. You’ll find people who are good for you, and you’ll find people that are bad for you. Always give people a chance! Be the best you can be and do what you were meant to do! Live life! You might not know it or believe it, but God has a plan for you! If your parents or friends push you in everything you do, they want you to do your best and be the best you can be! I know it’s annoying and stressful, but we’re lucky to have parents and friends like that! I’m here if anyone needs me! 

The Thoughts of a Crazy College Student in a Crazy World